Monday, July 19, 2010

Disappointing Box Office For Cage's Summer Offering Can Mean Only One Thing: Blowjobs

North Hollywood, CA-

"It's a good thing I've begun to establish a client base," said the once-respected actor, referring to his recent foray into manual genital stimulation to supplement his ever declining salary. "Now, with pole smoking being added to the menu, hopefully word-of-mouth will generate some genuine interest," said a sanguine Cage, teetering on the brink of has-beendom, adding, "Get it? Word-of-mouth."
The Oscar-winning actor's three-year financial downward spiral has essentially forced him to accept roles that might not be in his best interest in terms of longevity, future box office, credibility, the respect of his peers, retaining a fan base, salary demands, offers for good parts, leading roles, indie film roles, consideration for ensemble cast projects, supporting roles, corporate endorsements, television series, television commercial spots, radio commercial spots, Broadway productions, off-Broadway productions, Shakespeare in the Park, local theater, dinner theater, Chuck E. Cheese, or dignity, instead accepting work for the expedient paycheck.
"I thought working with Disney would be a sure-fire way to get back on track," opined the butt of current Hollywood jokes. "But someone told me recently that Disney audiences aren't willing to watch a crazy guy that they don't like." Nor do any other audiences, apparently. 
"I guess my much-publicized marriage and divorce to Patricia Arquette put some people off. She is a little wacky. And then my more publicized marriage and even quicker divorce to a much crazier Lisa Marie Presley may have caused others to judge me unfairly," the actor-turned-prostitute lamented.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Fickle Jesus: Can He Be Counted On?

Having begun his boxing career in the Philippines at just 16 years old and only 108 pounds, not even Manny Pacquiao himself probably ever imagined he'd win title belts in seven different weight classes, the latest of which is all the way up in the 147 pound welterweight division. Yet that is precisely what he did tonight against all odds, taking on the heavy favorite and natural welterweight, Puerto Rico's Miguel Cotto. Through his translator in the post-fight interview, the victorious Pacquiao stated: "First and foremost all the credit must go to my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. In Him all things are possible, and without him nothing is possible." The champion added, "Yes, just to be safe I do have one of the world's greatest boxing trainers in my camp, and I do put in many long hours in the gym honing my skills and working very hard on my strength and endurance, and to stay focused I live at training camp and have no contact with my wife and children for the ten weeks prior to the fight... but all of that preparation means nothing. Jesus is the true winner here tonight, and the only reason I had my hand raised in victory at the end."
This reporter then turned his attention to the loser to get his thoughts on the result. Did he underestimate Pacquiao? Did he bring the wrong game plan for this opponent? Had he slacked off in training camp? "I don't understand," he stammered in broken English, "I prayed very, very hard for this fight. I have dedicated my entire life to just three things, God, my family, and boxing, in that order. I was an altar boy. I give twenty percent of every purse I earn in the ring to the church. I have attended church service every Sunday and Wednesday, without exception, for my entire life," explained a dumbfounded Cotto. "I finance missionary expeditions to the far corners of the world to spread God's Word! We hold bible studies in our home! Our home!" lamented the exasperated former champion. "I have put my faith entirely in Jesus! 100%! I have never doubted the truth of bible verses such as 'I can do all things through Him who strengthens me,' Philippians 4:13, and '...Jesus said to them... with God all things are possible,' Matthew 19:26," quoted the visibly shaken erstwhile devout Christian. "I believed this stuff, man! Where was Jesus tonight, though?! Hmm?! Where the fuck was He?!! I based my entire life on this Shit! Entire relationships have been built on this Bullshit! My wife? Hell, we got nothing in common if we ain't got church in our lives. She can start packing her shit right now. Theres no way that motherfucker prayed harder than me! No way! If Jesus is real he let me down, big time! Yo, fuck Jesus, man!"

Fortunately, I was able to raise Jesus (no pun intended) to offer Him an opportunity to weigh in on these fighters' comments. "Well done, Manny Pacquiao. Your faith has been rewarded for all to see! You are truly a light in this world, My child," praised the 1st century itinerant wood-worker and rabbi. Turning his attention to Mr. Cotto He then had this to say: "It pains Me deeply to see any sheep among My flock suffering physically, or with insidious doubt. It is even more troubling to see one of My own stray from the fold," said a tearful Jesus. "Verily I say unto you that each and every one of you is precious in My sight, not the least of which is My dear child, Miguel. I shall forever abide in his heart and shall be here for him in his darkest hours," comforted the saviour sincerely. "That said," continued the crucifixion survivor, "I am God. Hello?! Did he not think I knew even before he was born that he would punk out on me like this?! Talkin' 'bout 'He let me down, big time,' and 'If Jesus is real..' If? IF?!! Fuck Me, Miguel?! Fuck ME?!! No, fuck thee, ye bitch of little faith! It's called omniscience, punchy. Look into it!"

Monday, June 28, 2010

Daddy, I Want An Oompah-Loompah, Now!


 
Oompa Loompah

 Doopah-dee-dah

 If you're not greedy you will go far

You will live in happiness, too

Like the Oompah Loompah...
 doopah-dee do!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Area Teen Prays No One Notices How Long His Showers Have Gotten Recently

Tommy Houk, 14, of Painesville, Ohio, prays to Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, Zeus, Krishna, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard, and Bob Dobbs every night to keep his parents and his big sister, Colleen, from asking him why his showers have gotten so lengthy of late. He thought of telling them that he simply takes his hygiene seriously now, but he's pretty sure no one would buy that one.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Red States Inexplicably Immune To World Cup Fever

For reasons that science currently can not explain, World Cup fever has not spread to Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, Missouri, Indiana, Kansas, North Carolina, and a few other states. Reports indicate that World Cup fever does seem to have more than a toe-hold in Florida, particularly in the Miami area, and while the fever did take hold of Arizona briefly, it seems to be leaving in droves as of this writing. 
Lester Scrunt of Flagstaff, AZ put it this way:
"Good riddance! We don't need no Commie fag sport here! Buncha fags running around in short shorts who cayn't speak a licka English! Stupid fast-talking beaner radio announcers makin' nuthin' sound like sump'n, talkin' 'bout "goooooooaaaaaaallll!!!!" every time some Spanish-speakin' pansy (I call 'em "spansies") puts a little ball in a huge net. Big deal! Ooooh, 1-0! Let's all flip over cars and light 'em on fire! Fuckin' spansies!"

Arizonans' frustrations may be understandable, given that they are seeing rapidly rising produce prices and a dearth of landscaping, short-order cooks, housekeeping, and child-care workers. "Consuelo has been taking care of my kids and cleaning our home for over four years now, and she up and leaves me with no notice," laments Mrs. Shirl Cartwright,  38, housewife. "Now what am I supposed to do? Is this what they teach them in Mexico? I paid her $5 an hour, in cash, under the table, so she could have a little something to send back home to her kids, and this is the thanks I get?"

Deputy Sheriff Tim McClellan of Tempe puts it this way, "I have had the honor of enforcing Arizona SB-1070, and you would be surprised how many people have the nerve to be offended. I tell them people, 'Look. Alls I'm sayin' is you look like you might could be here illegally. I mean, you're pretty tan. And that is some of the darkest hair I ever seen. Sounds like you're still learnin' English, so I'm gonna hafta see your papers.' And some of these crazy wetbacks came *un-glued*! Talkin' 'bout "I'm a citizen, you asshole!" and 'I'm the governor of New Mexico!' Yeah, right."

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Broke Nicolas Cage Forced To Sell Property, Handjobs

Los Angeles CA-

Academy Award-winning actor, Nicolas Cage, star of the popular "National Treasure" films, claims that his business manager swindled him out of millions. CPA Samuel J. Levin managed Cage's investments from 2001 to 2008, at which time several "risky real estate investments" went belly up, resulting in "catastrophic losses" for the star of such films as "Leaving Las Vegas," "Adaptation," "Valley Girl," "Moonstruck," "The Rock," "Guarding Tess," and "Con Air." Losses, Cage claims, that have forced him to supplement his feature-film fee by any means necessary. I caught up with the actor (pictured at left during a recent transaction) beneath the Lankershim Blvd. overpass at the 101 Freeway in North Hollywood. 

"Twenty bucks for a quick tug, forty to finish," pitched the classically trained actor doing, to this reporter, a spot-on impression of Vince the Sham-Wow guy. Sorry... homage. I quickly explained that that was not why I was there. "C'mon, it's not every day you get to jizz on an Oscar winner," replied the shirtless Cage. "That is, unless your commute is along this stretch of highway," he added.

Whatever turmoil he may be going through, the Method actor hasn't lost his chops. After a brief negotiation period the interview was under way. "So how did you find yourself in these dire straits, Mr. Cage?" I inquired. "Well... Sagredo, is it? Hey, you paisan'? No? Anyway, like most Americans, I was in Mombasa, Kenya in the fall of 2008, meeting with imprisoned Somali pirates as part of my job as U.N. Goodwill Ambassador on Drugs and Crime," he began. "And, like most Americans, after my private jet taxied into the secure hangar at LAX and my bodyguard and I were met in the limo by my supermodel wife, I was informed that not one, but TWO of my New Orleans estates had been foreclosed on! TWO!"

"That must be rough, losing all your New Orleans property like that," I sympathized. "No, not all," he corrected, "just the two. There's still the Tudor in the Garden District. But I'll probably have to sell it and another property in England before this nightmare is over."  "That's right!" I recalled. "Didn't you buy two castles in Great Britain in 2007, for something like $20M?" "No, no. It was only one castle, in Bath, and two mansions, for only around $12M," he pointed out. "I'm pretty sure that was 12 million British Pounds, Mr. Cage," I opined. "Pounds, dollars, who can follow this stuff? I'm not an ecologist! Look, I know what you're thinking," the actor said under one raised eyebrow. "But my drunken spending and complete disregard for the concept of over-extending myself has nothing to do with my current financial problems. My manager should have stopped my wanton shopping, and he should have seen this global banking meltdown coming. Period!"

It's hard not to feel for this $15M per movie national treasure. Won't you please dig deep and give generously? I donated $40 already, and would be happy to deliver your contributions personally. Send checks, money orders, even cash... yeah, just make it cash, to: 

P.O. Box 21473
Chatsworth, CA 91311


Friday, June 18, 2010

Constant Craving: The Buddha's Wisdom

In my last post I laid out the foundation of the Buddha's teaching, commonly known as The Four Noble Truths. It was mentioned that this is sometimes translated as The Four Ennobling Truths, which is the translation I prefer because it is more accurate, but more importantly, because it puts the emphasis on the individual where it belongs. The phrase in the original Pali dialect is Cattari Ariya Saccani (Sanskrit: Catvari Arya Satyani). Those words do mean "four," "noble," and "truths," respectively, however the noble part, Ariya, was a word referring to people, not things. It would do us good to recall what "noble" means in our own language. Like many words, noble has many meanings, but in this context the definition is "possessing superiority of mind, character, ideals, and/or morals," or "having excellent qualities." So we could say, "The Four Truths for the Spiritually Noble," or perhaps better, "The Four Truths that Lead to Spiritual Ennoblement." Further, sacca (plural: saccani; Sanskrit: satya, plural: satyani) means "truth" or "real," or it can mean "actual thing." The implication is that the Buddha was talking about fundamental reality; things he actually experienced and knew to be true. Considering all of this, we should properly view this teaching as "Four Fundamental Facts Which, When Apprehended Properly, Will Enrich And Ennoble The Spiritual Seeker." It sure is a lot easier to just say, The Four Noble Truths. So I will from here on.
To recapitulate these Four Noble Truths:
  1. There is suffering (birth, aging, illness, death, having what we don't want, wanting what we don't have)
  2. There is a cause of suffering (our own desire/aversion/craving)
  3. There is the cessation of suffering (enlightenment, awareness, "One-ness," "nirvana")
  4. There is a practical path leading to the cessation of suffering (the Eightfold Path)

Buddhism can justifiably be thought of as a science of the mind; a discipline for mental and emotional health. Two and half millenia before Freud, the Buddha made amazingly insightful observations of the human mind. First, it was very clever of him to realize that our craving, or desire, was the crux of the issue. We can call it wanting. For example, one often thinks: "I want to not be in the financial straits I currently find myself in." Of course they don't put it that way to themselves. It's more like: "I'm so sick of these money problems!" or "I wish I wasn't such a broke-ass loser!" Almost instantly associated with this thought is the inverse: "I want a substantial inflow of money," (or "I need a good job," or "I gotta find a better way to make a living"). There's almost no end to the thoughts on this theme: "I wish I had gotten a post-graduate degree," "I should have gone to college," "Why didn't I finish that apprenticeship ten years ago?" "That bitch landlady is always riding my ass! She knows she's gonna get paid!" And so on. It's all wanting what we don't have, or having what we don't want. Desire/aversion. The inability to accept the present moment as it is.

Yes, being broke can be unpleasant. No one wants the landlord to post an eviction notice on their door or have their power turned off. But whatever is happening is what is happening, and all you can do is take the appropriate action if there is any action to take. Beyond that, what good does it do to continually turn the situation over in your mind, wishing that the present reality was a different reality? There's an old Zen Buddhist saying, "Wish in one hand and shit in the other; see which hand fills up first." Perhaps that's why they use only one hand for clapping. But I digress. The situation may be unpleasant, but the thinking and lamenting is a choice, and therefore, so is the suffering.

When the circumstances change for the better, our suffering is relieved, but only temporarily. Having not yet changed our own desire/aversion pattern, we are doomed to suffer again and repeatedly. A child wants, say, a shiny new bicycle for his birthday, and he wants it more than anything in the world. Scenario 1: He doesn't get it, and he is inconsolable. Scenario 2: He does get it, and he is filled with joy. We all know this experience, both of them, actually, very well. We've all felt the bitter disappointment of not getting something we desperately wanted, and the elation of getting it. As children, understandably, we made the connection that it was the thing itself, in either getting it or not getting it, that made us happy or sad. This is where we learned that getting things makes us happy, and so the pattern of acquiring stuff to fill our emptiness began. The right car, the right house, the right job, the right spouse. He who dies with the most toys wins, they say. Conversely, losing any of these things is real bad, we tell ourselves.

The Buddha's brilliant insight into this process, taking our kid and the bicycle example, was that it was never the bicycle that created the joy: it was the abatement of his wanting. He no longer wanted for anything in the universe, if only momentarily, and his joy knew no bounds. Of course the flipside is true as well: because his desire was intense, his suffering was nearly unbearable (not because he didn't get the bicycle). This desire/aversion dynamic is incessant and below our normal awareness. Until we begin a meditation practice, most of us have no idea just how incredibly busy our minds are, chitter-chattering away, bouncing from one thought to the next in an endless juggling act that only slows down in moments of deep concentration or inebriation. They call it the "monkey mind" in Buddhist circles. In meditation we begin to observe the monkey mind and we can see what it's doing. Remarkably, it's everywhere but the present moment. It's going over wish-lists for future gratification, or worrying over endless permutations of future mortification. When it's not doing that, it's mulling over past victories, regrets, resentments, and glories. From the mundane ("Should I thaw the chicken for dinner?") to the major ("I just know this mole on my neck is cancer!").

It isn't that any one thought is "bad," or that thinking is wrong and should be avoided at all costs. It's that the thinking is incessant, and generally not helpful, even harmful to us. Upon reflection we see that we live in a near-constant state of flux, moving between wanting what we don't have and resistant to having what we don't want. The result is a general feeling of emptiness coupled with, naturally, the desire to not feel that emptiness; to fill it with something. We try to fill it with things. The Buddha suggests another path.

That's Teamwork