Having begun his boxing career in the Philippines at just 16 years old and only 108 pounds, not even Manny Pacquiao himself probably ever imagined he'd win title belts in seven different weight classes, the latest of which is all the way up in the 147 pound welterweight division. Yet that is precisely what he did tonight against all odds, taking on the heavy favorite and natural welterweight, Puerto Rico's Miguel Cotto. Through his translator in the post-fight interview, the victorious Pacquiao stated: "First and foremost all the credit must go to my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. In Him all things are possible, and without him nothing is possible." The champion added, "Yes, just to be safe I do have one of the world's greatest boxing trainers in my camp, and I do put in many long hours in the gym honing my skills and working very hard on my strength and endurance, and to stay focused I live at training camp and have no contact with my wife and children for the ten weeks prior to the fight... but all of that preparation means nothing. Jesus is the true winner here tonight, and the only reason I had my hand raised in victory at the end."
This reporter then turned his attention to the loser to get his thoughts on the result. Did he underestimate Pacquiao? Did he bring the wrong game plan for this opponent? Had he slacked off in training camp? "I don't understand," he stammered in broken English, "I prayed very, very hard for this fight. I have dedicated my entire life to just three things, God, my family, and boxing, in that order. I was an altar boy. I give twenty percent of every purse I earn in the ring to the church. I have attended church service every Sunday and Wednesday, without exception, for my entire life," explained a dumbfounded Cotto. "I finance missionary expeditions to the far corners of the world to spread God's Word! We hold bible studies in our home! Our home!" lamented the exasperated former champion. "I have put my faith entirely in Jesus! 100%! I have never doubted the truth of bible verses such as 'I can do all things through Him who strengthens me,' Philippians 4:13, and '...Jesus said to them... with God all things are possible,' Matthew 19:26," quoted the visibly shaken erstwhile devout Christian. "I believed this stuff, man! Where was Jesus tonight, though?! Hmm?! Where the fuck was He?!! I based my entire life on this Shit! Entire relationships have been built on this Bullshit! My wife? Hell, we got nothing in common if we ain't got church in our lives. She can start packing her shit right now. Theres no way that motherfucker prayed harder than me! No way! If Jesus is real he let me down, big time! Yo, fuck Jesus, man!"
Fortunately, I was able to raise Jesus (no pun intended) to offer Him an opportunity to weigh in on these fighters' comments. "Well done, Manny Pacquiao. Your faith has been rewarded for all to see! You are truly a light in this world, My child," praised the 1st century itinerant wood-worker and rabbi. Turning his attention to Mr. Cotto He then had this to say: "It pains Me deeply to see any sheep among My flock suffering physically, or with insidious doubt. It is even more troubling to see one of My own stray from the fold," said a tearful Jesus. "Verily I say unto you that each and every one of you is precious in My sight, not the least of which is My dear child, Miguel. I shall forever abide in his heart and shall be here for him in his darkest hours," comforted the saviour sincerely. "That said," continued the crucifixion survivor, "I am God. Hello?! Did he not think I knew even before he was born that he would punk out on me like this?! Talkin' 'bout 'He let me down, big time,' and 'If Jesus is real..' If? IF?!! Fuck Me, Miguel?! Fuck ME?!! No, fuck thee, ye bitch of little faith! It's called omniscience, punchy. Look into it!"
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